Hey you, thanks for landing on this blogpost, more than a blog it’s on how unknowingly you realise that you have made big decisions in your life and learnings that follow those decisions. And, by the way, this could go a bit longer, so take out few extra minutes, please.

Well, the day I am going to talk about is not the one I mentioned in my last story and has definitely nothing to do with people I encounter in last 1–2 years. In fact it is way before that, probably taking you back in 2016–17. So, a slight backdrop, I graduated in 2013, and since then for next 4, rather 5 years I kept on working to get that job of my dreams, craving and determined for that tag of a “Govt. Job”, at the cost of leaving all good( or may be not_so_good) opportunities in that period of time. What I dint realised back then was, how deeply I was getting stuck in that loop of constant failures and uncertainty and how difficult it could be later on, even if, I make up to that jobs I am working my ass of for.

After first couple of failed attempts, I felt a change in my determination. It was slowly turning into desperation. That urge to just somehow get to that point, as if I was running a race and there was someone with hunter behind me. This continued for 3 years in a row. With each time I failed, I not only lost a chance there, I also lost a piece of my relationships, a little more distant from my family. A little more disconnected from my friends, and probably making a little more void in my heart for myself too. It was getting hard to stay normal, it felt like I am leaving too much on time to get things normal. People around me were growing ( apparently) exponentially while I found myself stuck, exactly in same place where I was 4 years back. Then one day, and I mean that particular day, I mentioned in the title about, I took a decision. Phew!!

“I remember it was Sunday morning in the month of May, I woke up early in the morning and got ready by 7:00 AM. I had to leave for my exam centre, which was around 20 kms away from my place. The exam was for AE post in UPPCL( google it, if you don’t know about it!) and was supposed to be started by 10:00 AM. Usually my mom and dad would have dropped me to the centre, but due to some reasons, I was going by myself. A day before that day results for one of another important exam was out and as usual I missed the cut off by 1.5 marks. With a bit of guilt and almost no hope, I picked up my bag, took the blessings of god and my mom and left for the centre. The moment I left the house, I felt like my mom has turned towards the temple in our home and was praying, must be for my success. Well I knew, even this one also was not going to be the one. I took auto sat inside it. I was feeling very uneasy, the thoughts I usually had, were not there, rather, I was just wondering why am I stepping into another failure.

Well, I reached the exam centre, and all I could see was faces, all with different expressions, some anxious, some nervous, some cheerful, confident, some casual just to pass the time types. But none of them, looked to be successful, happy or proud. Somehow, I could see a failure in everyone standing out there with that admit card. Not something I usually felt before. And as I stepped towards the entry gate of the centre, it felt like I was pushing myself into that pool of failures again. Why Am I even doing this? Why Cant I just end this loop?

I stayed there at the gate for another 2–3 minutes, I dont remember if I was actually thinkning something at that moment, or not. But I turned around and went to a tea shop there next to my centre. Sat there for a while, and kept seeing the crown of students, verifying their IDs and steping in the exam hall, As the time went by, the crowd started to reduce, and finally the gates were closed. I saw a couple of students kept on coming and with little request they were allowed too. Post that the gates were closed and it was all silent out there.

I ordered a cup of tea for myself and sat there with closed eyes while the it was being made. The paper was about to get over at 12:00 PM, I sat there itself, till that point of time. Then as the students started coming out. I picked up my bag, left the cup of tea there and took an auto towards my home. Upon reaching home, I had my lunch. And just went back to my room. Upon waking up in the evening, I told my parents about what all happened. I saw a little disappointment in their eyes, but I think they understood, what I told them. Later I had a word with my brother as well and it too dint went as crazy as I was expecting. By that time it was night I had my dinner and went to sleep.”

That day, I took a decision, I should have taken much earlier, but even bigger that this realisaton, I learned two very important things that day :

1. No matter how indecisive you are, once you hit the bottom, your brain, mind body and soul will align to help you make a call that is needed.

For years I have been feeling low everytime I gave exam and failed. Everytime I just kept on delaying my dreams my happiness all my wishes. Well, that day when I was sitting with that cup of tea, all these thoughts just kept popping up in my mind and in that moment, I just closed my eyes, and promised myself I am never putting myself in this situation again, no matter what. Probably just a 15 sec conversation with myself. But in that very moment, I felt I already took one step forward towards my happiness, towards my well-being. Towards a destination which is not dependent how many questions I mark correct. I felt relieved. Even though I dint knew what will I be doing. How will I even get there, but all I knew was, whatever it’s going to be, it’ll be different from what’s happening till now.

Well, about 3 months from then, I started with a job with a small company, a small salary but big learnings and that gave a promising start to my new career.

2. No matter what world thinks of you, be honest with yourself and your family, they’re never going to judge you and always support you.

When I told my parents about how empty I felt that day, while going for the exam, it was such a relief to my heart that the only people in the world that matter me the most is on the same side as I am. It’s not that there was any pressure from their side. But, it was quite evident that expectations were high from their end and I somehow did not met them. At the end, what mattered was my content, my success my happiness. Having a family is a blessing. It calms you, relaxes you, energises you to restart from where it all just ended. Not just once, time and again, I have been grateful to have such a supportive set of people around me.

Life is a continuous learning process, each one of us have their own set of learnings time to time. I believe, it’s important to keep those learnings and keep revisiting them time to time. Do share down your life learnings, would love you read your side of stories.

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Reposted this story from my medium account : link