A Letter To my Bumble Bee 🐝

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A Letter To my Bumble Bee 🐝

Can break-up be a restart?

“Hello Mask man,!” : Probably the only words, I’d never want to forget in my life.

When it comes to falling in love, no time is wrong or right. It just happens! There’s no need for reasons or explanations. I believe it’s true when people say love doesn’t have limits.

Even though I’ve felt love before, there’s something special about connecting deeply with someone who feels the same way you do. She made me feel that connection. But as nice as it was, it didn’t last. The love we had, grew quickly but then fell apart, like a stack of cards collapsing. This letter is about my journey and the things I learned along the way. I want to share it not just with my bumble bee, but with anyone going through something similar.

PS: I will always wish you to be safe, secured, sound, and loved.

If I just start pouring down my heart, this can easily shift from learnings to self -realizations. So, to ensure clarity and readability, I’ll divide this letter into three sections:

1. The Good
2. The Bad
3. The ‘wish I should have done it that way’

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The Good.

Before the day I first spoke to her, which happened to be Valentine’s Day, I just made some posts on my Instagram page, connected with a few followers, did a few chores for my mom, and then went to bed. Little did I know, everything was about to change.

Even though my job was going well, I mostly kept to myself in my personal life. It’s not like I didn’t have motivation or anything, I just didn’t have much going on. After work, I’d either finish up tasks or learn something new just to fill my evenings, which seemed fine to me by all means. And you know, the day I first met this woman, I mean in person, we sat down at a nearby café, and those five hours went by in a flash. It felt like time just flew by — 6 in the evening turned into 11 at night in what seemed like only 10 minutes. (I know, sounds crazy, right? But you get what I mean!)

“So, we met via a dating app, with no mutual friends, no previous connections. and the day we matched, we talked for straight 13 hours and 46 minutes. Woah, giving me goose bumps even while writing, evening-to-night-to-morning. “Let’s sleep, it’s 6 in the morning”. we laughed.

This wasn’t going to be your ordinary match; it felt like the beginning of a love story.”

Our bond sky-rocketed and within the first few dates, we were close enough to slip into each other’s arms and make plans for the next 15–20 or maybe even 30 years from now.

Now, my evenings weren’t anything like they used to be just a couple of weeks ago. I had a new routine, and she was a part of it — another cup of tea, and then another. It’s like she had this magic to make hours feel like seconds. Those boring cafes where I’d usually just grab a coffee and go were now turning into my favorite hangout spots. I never realized how beautiful the city looked from the window of the café where we used to sit. We used to talk, and we used to talk about literally anything, and everything, from bitching about our managers to the colour of the wall we would like in our bedroom.( Matte blue, was the one finalsed. Funny right?)

Everything was falling into place perfectly. I’d never felt so happy, calm, and loved all at once. I noticed I was getting my work done faster than ever, sometimes even ahead of schedule. And why not? I had to finish everything before the sun went down. Because now, I had plans. I had plans every single day.

Well, the main difference, and probably the biggest one between us, was our lifestyles. She was living independently, away from her family, managing everything on her own and keeping busy with work. Meanwhile, I was still living with my parents, following their rules and routines, though I had a better balanced work life. So it did often created barriers in how we meet each other or for how long and when we are meeting etc. And, it’s not that my parents aren’t understanding, but they’re pretty traditional when it comes to culture, values, and especially my dating life. Of course, initially, I pushed my boundaries to set up expectations, while she had to adjust hers due to these limitations.

We made promises to each other. I was over the moon, and so were my promises. From promising to always be there to talking about moving to different cities, we dreamed big.

When you are in love, you see things in the light of love, nothing seems impossible, even our assumptions. And when you make decisions based on those assumptions, you are at high risk, my friend. #Lesson1 comes here:

Be cautious: What you commit, how you commit. Love can heavily influence the power of your mind.

Irrespective of the intent with which I made those promises, they, were based on the assumptions which I miscalculated and eventually failed to keep up to them. This made me realize, no matter how hard we try to allign things, if it has to end it will, someway or the other. Sadly, this time, the reason was me.

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The bad

So, with the second wave of Covid hitting the country hard, our chances of relocating anytime soon were slim to none. As I mentioned we decided to settle down in a new city once things returned to normal. This decision made sense because my work location was different from where we currently lived, thanks to the work-from-home model. And secondly, the new city I am talking about, was also one of the dream cities for her to live in. and was my work location too. Also, given the chance, career prospective for both of us were better there. It totally seemed reasonable to move once things improved, although at that time, it seemed unlikely that offices would reopen for both of us.

Due to difference of work-profile, What I assumed , turned out to be entirely opposite. And things took some awkward turns

In my 29 years of life, for the first time ever, I found myself torn between my family and someone I fell in love with. I made a promise, but as I mentioned earlier, it was based on assumptions, and little did I know it wouldn’t be so simple. It was still okay though because even if my assumptions didn’t pan out, I never intended to give up. Moving out was a big call for me, not only because it would be the first time I’ll be stepping out of my house, but also because, I’ll be lying to my parents, my family and above all, will be living with that lie for say, another how many days, months or maybe even more. Because had it been as per what we thought, atleast I’d not have to go all the way lying every single day. Otherwise, how would have I justified my parents that I need to move out to a new city, despite countrywide lockdown and pandemic at its peak. These thoughts brought about mental turmoil, and things began slipping out of my control. Yet, I held onto the belief that our love was strong enough to withstand this challenge, and I hoped it wouldn’t cause too much harm. [remember #lesson1?]

Indeed, it’s a much longer story, but , it’s just this one point, and I still say, just this point that makes me realise, why I was wrong. And what I could have done at least at that moment of time.

I did tried, the best I could have. This tussle in my mind gave rise to regular arguments but in my family and with that person. In this short span of time, I forgot, that even though she is the one who’s making me perfect, like me, she would also have her own set of problems, which she never mentioned, or maybe once or twice. On the other hand, I kind of fucked it up, our dates became more about her explaining me a way out to my problems, rather than holding hands and getting high.

This all, which started with excitement and fun had gradually turned into sadness, distance and separation. We started to meet less, talk less, fight more, arguments, which turned deeper and more heated each time. Things were certainly not going great now, we do have that hope, though. But in all of this, somewhere, we lost ourselves. It all became a war of trust, where I kept on working to prove myself, and she kept on giving me chances to not let her down. I realise I took her love for granted and pulled her into that downward journey. I forgot to do things that made her happy, which made her be with me in the first place. I forgot to make her feel special. I simply forgot to love her. Sad, but true.

And this brings me to #lesson 2

Work on your own mess by yourself, do not involve the other person in your shit, they have their own. Respect your life, your space, and your mess.

From this point onward, it was all about giving chances and avoiding arguments. I could sense the possibility of separation looming ahead, but hope compelled me to work on fixing things. Even though, I did managed to find a way forward and took the necessary steps, but perhaps it was too late by then. Despite my efforts, I kept her waiting, feeling unloved, uncared for, detached, alone, hurt, and broken until she finally decided to leave. I can’t blame her. Maybe the trust was still fragile, already damaged beyond repair. Now, we were separated by a distance of 2174.8 kilometers geographically and well, millions of miles emotionally.

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Wish I should have done it that way.

I think the only good thing I was able to do was to go along with her to drop her till her new place, that new city. Even that was a big deal for me, atleast at that point of time. I still remember clearly, those tears in her eyes, while I was going back again the next day.(Phew! I wish I would have stayed there, rather than taking another month to return back.)

While, she went there, I was back to my place. In between, while I was figuring out how and what to do next, this long distance thing, just dint worked out for us. we keep on having arguments, till the point where we almost hung up the call every single time. Well , I did worked out a plan, packed my bags and 3 weeks later, I was there. But, the damage was beyong repair. The very moment, she saw me there, she told me it’s not happening now! I tried multiple times to reach her and each time it worsened.

I remember that last night, after 2 months, we were almost breaken up, but I still had hope and probably that made me go back to her place to try to fix things. Unfortunately, in that evening, we ended up arguing and fighting even more. I gave up that night. In that heat of the moment, I packed my things, left her house, and went back to the airport the very same day I landed there.

It was 10 in the night, I had no return tickets, no place to stay, I felt devastated, fucked up, lost, lonely, broken, angry, sad, and all the melancholic feelings you can ever think of. That night, probably was the toughest one for me in my entire life. I booked a flight for the next morning, still had some 8-9odd hours; I sat on pavement on the other side of the road, facing departures, gazing towards the sky, I felt a drop of a tear rolling down my cheek. All I could think about was how I left her in tears. She had sadness in her eyes, disappointment in her heart, and doubt in her mind when I stormed out and closed the door behind me. I might never forget that face, how could I have done that? It was the same face that always brightened up with happiness whenever I looked at it.

From that moment until the next morning when I got on the flight and flew high above the earth, tears just wouldn’t stop rolling down. My eyes were filled with them, and I could really feel the hurt behind those puffy eyes. My head was getting heavier, breathlessness and well, I closed my eyes for a moment, and when I opened them again, I was soaring at about 1000 kilometers per hour, near the glowing reddish-orange sun,. Well, you know why mornings are so beautiful.right? But, all I could think of was, I wish I shouldn’t have done it that way!

I wish I could undo what just happened a few hours back.

Well, I realized, and I realized it the hardest way, that I need to work on my things, right now. I just have had one of the biggest losses of my life. Yes, I am strong enough to cope with losses, but a loss without learning is a failure.

I was devasted, and obviously sad, yet I made up my mind to figure out the root cause and work on it. I know things would have been different if I had not set those expectations, or maybe I would have shown up more courage to take a stand for myself, or maybe I should have not involved her in my shit, or may I should have not forgotten to keep on showing how much love I had for her. may be, maybe and may be. who knows, what would or could have happened. I was unsure, lost in my thoughts, silent, brainstorming myself with those relationship videos and articles, trying to figure out any possible way to undo it or make up for what I did. All I wished for was to go back and somehow make things right, which I did.

And this feeling of guilt and sadness brings me to my #lesson3

You need not be too harsh on yourself for the mistakes you made, what happened would have happened anyhow.

We all have gone through this situation sometime or the other. Yes, it’s true, if I would have done something different, something different would have happened. but that something, might not be exactly the thing I wanted it to be. Maybe what happened that day, would have happened a week later, or maybe two or maybe a few months, later. Because you need to realize, that what you are saying now, is from a different perspective, you were not the same person back then, and given the situation, whenever you would have faced that, that is how you were going to react, so, even if you would have done things differently, you were still going to react in the same way as you did, because this is what a person, you were back then and you cannot change it.

I told to myself: You should feel sorry, but that sorry should not be because of your guilt of doing wrong. that should rather be because of the fact that a person loved you, trusted you, and showed faith in you, and you broke that person and shattered that trust into pieces, proving that she chose the wrong guy again. You should be sorry for making her go through that pain, the pain she never deserved.

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It’s been a while now, I am back to my place. I revisited the places where we used to meet, scrolled down the chats we had, and reheard the voice notes she sent. All this did make me realize the mistakes I was making, and where I went wrong, I accept it. I’m trying to work on them and I am becoming a better person each day. Do I miss her? Yes, I do. Do I regret what I did to her? Yes, I do. Do I want her back? Hell yeah!! But, I understand, that some damages are irreversible and we have to deal with them anyhow. I am thankful to God for bringing her into my life and showing me the side I never knew existed. Yes, love exists and she proved that to me, I also realize, that even though not every person you meet is permanent, a true relationship is not brittle, if we are destined to meet, we will. and I’ll make sure, if ever we meet, she will be proud of me.

Thank you my Bumble bee for being the most beautiful part of my life. Not even a single second out of 2,37,60,000 seconds of our togetherness is ever going to fade away from my heart.

Stay safe. Stay blessed!

Reposted this story from my medium account : link