Oh, It’s been a Year Now!!

I think I have figured out how to let you go and let communication die out.

Never thought, I would need a J P Saxe song to start any of my blog.

Hmm… It’s been a year since we last met. Remember?

It was early in the morning, I knocked on your door, and you’re shocked, upset, and angry. You yelled at me, but, did let me in. I could tell you were really mad at me, and I also knew things wouldn’t improve. But there I stood, with my bags, battling the demons of regret for leaving you alone that evening and the guilt of not keeping my promise.You kept on asking me why the hell I came back, again, after that big fight. While putting the pan on the gas to make tea for us and the way you gave me that Maggi packet saying, I don’t deserve a Maggi cooked by you; I should make it by myself.(funny though). I could see how hurt and empty you were, alone, managing every small and big thing, all by yourself. And me making stupid reasons why I barged into your place while ignoring the broker who was waiting to get the money paid and handover keys to my new apartment. We had our last cup of tea and Maggi together. I came back for us, to be there, like not going back now.

Only I knew how much I prepared for that conversation to have with you. Your eyes were swollen, rashes all around them, seemed like caused by holding back tears in them for too long.I was just not ready to leave you alone at any cost.And you know, I never planed to have that break down in front of you, but I couldn’t hold it in. and I’m thankful you allowed me let it all out, while holding me in your arms, if not crying it out, I might not have able to let us free, otherwise.

I still wish you hadn’t booked those return tickets for me that day and had let me stay a bit longer. But, honestly, I accepted that decision of yours whole heartedly. I now knew, we’re not getting back, no matter what. While finally leaving you, I knew a big part of my heart and soul is not coming back with me. And after all that emotional turmoil, it was again a big call for me, to return back, this time totally blank and empty. You made me make my last promise to you, to never come back to this place. I doubt I’ll ever forget how we hugged that last time while gushing out tears and what not. I fucked it up, what could have been the most beautiful thing of my life, was standing at the door, watching me going away, with tears in eyes, and warning me not to come back ever again.

“don’t come back, for my sake”, your voice echoes in my ears, till now.

Hello there, you’d probably be wondering what it’s all about. Head over to “letter to my bumble bee”, to get the full backdrop.

Giving words to my thoughts is surely something that I have started liking over a period of time. And now, that I think a lot, I do have a lot to say as well.

It feels so good to see people out there, looking for such articles which give them relatable vibes. I myself have been doing it, and it somehow relaxes us, assuring us that we are not alone here. We are those people who gave in all they have for others and learned things the harder way.

No, this letter has nothing to do with the person I broke up with, it’s gone. Good, bad, ugly, or sad, it’s all there in the past, and that past does not exist in the present.

This letter is yet another set of learnings I’ve experienced in this last year and I must say it has been a roller coaster that took all those turns that a human brain can process. I was devastated yet again, only, this time, there was no going back. And eventually, it was then that I realized it was time to recompile myself and get back into life.

Of course, healing is a process. And one sets its own pace to recover, reignite, rejuvenate and finally get back on track. Having experienced it all, let me share below the different phases I found myself traversing in the last 10–12 months.

The Black Hole Phase

Oh man, this phase takes you the closest to what hell can be IRL.

Right after I was back home I could sense that numbness in me, first time, felt like, yeah, it’s all meaningless, I saw my parents, and everyone else around me, I could see everything, I could comprehend everything, but I could not feel anything. the coming few days were almost the same, I rarely talked to anyone, not even to myself. I did cry though, never knew I could cry this much. Foolishly asking God, why, when it was all perfect then why? Why couldn’t she talk back, why she did do that to me? Why couldn’t I fix it? Why there was not another way out?

It is this phase when all you can think about is everything you will miss about your ex everything that makes you or them the devil incarnate. It’s a complicated phase.

While the pain in the black hole may feel like it will swallow you up forever, it won’t. Just give it time, and be compassionate with yourself. It’s normal to mourn.

After days of being lazily stuck on my couch, stuffing in all junk food. I stepped out to seek some breath of fresh air. I walked the streets alone, all those places where we used to go together hand in hand, went there, sat there, cried out my heart, missed every single moment we made, and then, came back home. Never felt this dejected before. And one day I just decided I need to talk it out. And that brought me to the next phase. “Hey, Was thinking to meet you guys. Today evening?” I texted it to two of my best mates.

The “Seeking Out To a Friend” phase

Well, though the black hole phase was the most painful and devastating one, fortunately, it does not last very long, and sooner than expected, I started feeling the need to approach someone who would be reliable enough to share my heart out and also good enough to not give me any nonsense platter of wisdom. And who better than your old buddies from college, with whom you have probably shared all your 20s. They are the ones who know you inside out. They will listen to you, and not judge you until you are totally healed. I have those around me. again, fortunate enough.

Of course, it was not just one meeting with them, you need to put in more than a couple of evenings. Chronologically, rolling out your thoughts, to them. you don’t need to seek advice at the moment, you are just looking out for support to lean on and let you dump whatever there’s inside.

Though life at this point is still pretty much mundane, but yet it’s important that you have people around you. Night clubs are depressing, I’ll suggest, walking around the city in the daytime. Observe people doing activities, here and there.

The New Routine Phase

Soon I realised, my wellbeing is my task, no one else is going to look out for this. Being so much restless and stressed, I did seek professional help for mental well-being. For the first time in my life, I realised the importance of mental health, how and why it’s important to stay focused. I always used to wonder, why do people feel this much of need to meditate and how would it ever help, but trust me, I did that. To calm down that emotional war going inside my head, not letting me focus on any other part of my life. I did tried out meditation, and it helped out. No, it dint magically made everything right, or made my joyful again.

But yes, it did, made me a little calm, helped me compose myself, and let me focus on work. and other things in life. This new routine, of meeting old friends, focusing back on work, talking to my parents, doing some added work to make up for the loss I made in last couple of months, yes, it did made me miss her little less. I was finally able to go a day or two without even remembering to think about all that.

The Lingering Mourning And Relapse Phase

It’s been nearly three to four months, I was gradually getting my things back on track. The pain hurts a little less now. That urge to check my phone to see her call/message/ social media feed has reduced. Though, I still found things triggering me and taking me back to what could have been and what it actually is. It’s a very powerful feeling. Strong enough to pull me and throw me back to the same place where I came from. That day with her, just comes right in front of my eyes, and plays with all the random actions I can take even right now to get back to her. Till the time I get back to my senses and let that feeling go. Close your eyes, take deep breaths, and accept that it’s not happening now.

You’ll feel better as this relapse of feelings gradually reduces over time while you gain control over your thoughts. This eventually makes you a stronger person, by heart, mind, and soul. You finally learn to accept the situation as it is and will always going to remain the same. Bringing you the last stage of this chapter.

The “Moving On, For Real This Time” Phase

By the time, I reached to this level of acceptance, more than half of the year had passed. I had already tried more than a couple of times, to talk to her. connect with her. apologize for everything and maybe, maybe give a chance to work this out. I really wanted us to be together so badly, until I realised, that she doesn’t want me back. Yes, I still acknowledged her as one of my biggest losses and I probably always will. But for a relationship to work, it has to work from both ways, and that feeling comes from within. If it’s not. It’s not. simple. clear. honest.

The biggest decision I made was not that day when I came back home. It was rather in this phase, 8 months after that. And that was, to accept, that person is no longer a part of me. It was in past, beautifully framed, forever. But I have to live in present, think of the present, and act for my future, a future where that person has no space. A future, where I need to create space for someone who truly wants to be there.

As much as I could have, I tried. and that feeling makes me feel less guilty and regretful. and probably makes me ready, to be on my own and welcome the person, who I actually deserve.

But what if, someday she comes back, calls me, and says she wants me back in her life? Nah, that’s not happening. and in the unlikeliest event of this happening, well, life is too short to hold back. We might give a fresh start. We might not. who knows. 🙂 Life will anyhow, keep on moving.

So this was my story so far. What about you? Do comment down below. Will be eager to listen to how relatable you find it.

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