Unlock Your Worth: 15 Key Signs You’re Settling for Less

Your heart is sending you a message, are you listening?

How many people do you think are settling for less than they deserve in life? Not just life, but love?

Most people, if we’re being honest, are living a life that leaves space between what they’re getting, and what they deserve.For some, I believe it’s something they don’t even realize. If they’ve never taken the time to define what they deserve, how can they know what it really means?And, what’s more, if they don’t truly believe they deserve it, they’ll be left longingly staring out the window as the world passes them by.

I, however, refuse to sit idly by and let people sink into their seats wishing for a life that, if they actually stepped up to the plate, they are capable of creating. That’s precisely why I started writing and speaking and coaching over 10 years ago.One of the primary factors in this is not just knowing what you deserve, but being able to honestly recognize the signs that you’re not getting it.

It’s time to stop tacitly accepting what you’re handed in life. Time to stop settling for “just okay.” Time to stop thinking that happiness is reserved for other people.

Let’s explore some of the ways that your heart and mind are sending you a message

You have to convince yourself (and other people) that it’s “right.”

You do feel like you’re getting what you deserve, though!

Only…it’s after you’ve consciously told yourself in the mirror a million times. After you’ve justified it to yourself. After you’ve defended their weird actions to your friends. After you’ve said “but he/she really loves me” more times than you can count…

I think we do this a lot in life. We sell our own decisions to ourselves so we don’t need to actually face them head on. We convince ourselves that we’re on the right career path even though we’re miserable every day. We tell ourselves that we don’t need to go to the doctor even though we’re in constant discomfort. We tell ourselves that “we don’t have time” to stick to that goal or plan. We put off tasks and responsibilities that we know would improve our lives.

As a result, we end up slipping into a cycle of being comfortably uncomfortable, knowing that we want (ahem…need) something to change, but not quite enough to actually take action towards it. If you have this feeling, you already know what I’m talking about — the only thing left to do, is actually admit it.

Their sweetness makes you uncomfortable.

They’re doing all of the things that you always wanted in a relationship — yet…you find yourself internally cringing every time they do it.

You know the feeling, it’s almost like being good to you is pushing you away. Why, and how could this possibly be? I believe it’s your inner self telling you that this person simply is not right for you — there’s something that’s “off,” or incompatible, or unnatural about the pairing.

It doesn’t mean they’re a bad person, and it definitely doesn’t mean that youare a bad person for having these feelings. It could just be another case of two good people not being good for each other.

Kind and romantic gestures within a relationship should make you feel loved, cared for, valued — but if they do the opposite, I believe that it’s your heart telling you that, while you want these specific actions…you don’t want them from this specific person.

You keep wondering what else (who else) is out there.

This is one of the major reasons why I believe exploration is important when it comes to dating. No — I’m not saying you should jump into bed with everyone that walks by you, but I do believe there is value in getting to know a variety of people before you decide who, and what, is really right for you.

After all, how else can you really know for sure? Dating around helps us to converse with people, learn about people, experience what we do and don’t want, and have an easier time recognizing what we do want when it comes along. If, though, you are with the wrong person for the wrong reasons, you won’t feel a sense of certainty when you’re with them — but a nagging curiosity about what it is that you’re missing by being with them. FOMO, if you will.

This, of course, is not a feeling you’re likely to share with your partner or anyone else — it’ll be something that pulls at you internally in the silence. It’ll be on your mind when you’re watching a movie together, or in bed together, or even when you’re out running errands wondering what it’d be like to be with someone else. Nobody in a committed and monogamous relationship should have to endure this type of feeling. It’s not fair to you, nor is it fair to your partner.

This is why so many people “take a break” to “see what else is out there.” Needless to say, that doesn’t usually bring them back together after, though — but if that’s the case, it proves it was the right decision in the first place.

It takes TOO much effort.

If I’ve said it once, I’ve said it a million times — it takes consistent mutual effortto make happy and healthy relationships work.

That said, when it begins to feel like work and you can’t simply settle into the comfort of being with this person, it’s a sign that you’re forcing something that isn’t coming natural to you.

The truth is that you shouldn’t need to always be trying to make a relationship work, or search for common interests, or be secretly sacrificing your own wants and needs (ever) in order to find peace and harmony with someone.

There are frequent threats to leave.

Whether it’s coming from you or them, every argument culminating to a threat of “Fine, just get out then!” creates a hostile and unhealthy environment for both parties involved. Even if one or both of you wouldn’t actually walk out the door, it starts putting the idea in both of your minds, which becomes a breeding ground for insecurity and instability in the relationship.

If it’s coming from you, there is likely some hidden truth to the threat, and you’ve probably considered ending the relationship more than once — you’re just looking for a reason. If it’s coming from them, it’s going to stick in your mind like a song on repeat and make you wonder if they’re really, truly committed to sticking by your side through thick and thin.

Regardless of where it’s coming from, the underlying message is the same: You deserve better than that feeling.

You’re not inspired by them.

Being inspired by someone is not just about work, or money, or success, though — it’s also about how you choose to live your life. The way you choose to treat others. The way you show up in the world, and the impact that you make. When someone lives with integrity and honour, you can look to them as a positive influence in your life, shining a light even brighter as you walk the path together.

If you don’t feel like someone’s presence in your life is an enhancement, then why stay with them in the first place?

You cringe at the thought of a lifetime commitment.

We’re all in different phases of life and looking for different things, but for the sake of this article let’s assume that you are looking for a serious monogamous relationship that could potentially lead to a lifelong commitment.

Under that assumption, a relationship is not simply a fling nor something to pass the time. It is, potentially, forever. Choosing one person to spend the rest of your days with might be the most important decision you ever make — I do not say that lightly. You’ll share thousands of meals with them, thousands of mornings, thousands of nights together on the couch, hundreds of vacations, adventures, and experiences.

You’ll laugh together, cry together, face both losses and triumphs together. You’ll grow into old age together. Now, think deeply about the person you’re with, or considering being with — how does their presence by your side during all of that make you feel? Do you trust them? Are they willing to be by your side through it all? Are youwilling to be by theirs?

Do you even, dare I say, like them enough to entertain that prospect? Not love — but like? Do you enjoy being in their company? If the thought of “forever” with someone makes you shudder, then continuing to stay together is only delaying the inevitable breakup that’s going to happen when, someday, you gain the courage to say how you really feel.

The longer you wait, the more painful it will become.

They don’t turn you on.

Yes, I am talking about sexually. However, I’m also talking about mentally and emotionally.

I use this term to signify the flipping of a switch. Whether they’re lighting something up in your body, or your mind, the person you’re with should have a physiological impact on you that is almost beyond words. You’ve felt it before — the irresistible magnetism to a person who you want to spend hours talking to, staying up with all night (wink, wink…), or spend all of your extra time with.

What if, though, this feeling was muted or dulled by a person who didn’t have quite the same impact on you? What if being around them was just “meh”? For lack of a better term: Vanilla?

While you might be able to tolerate this for a while, revisit point #7 above and ask yourself: Is this what I really want forever?

You ignore their texts and calls.

If you catch yourself recoiling rather than rejoicing when this person is reaching out to you, and you take your sweet time getting back to them, it’s a strong sign your hear is looking for something (someone) else.

They don’t express their feelings for you.

Listen — I understand that not everyone is the “gushy” type. Some people are more reserved than others, and some are uncomfortable being sentimental or overly emotional.

There’s a difference, though, between someone who’s reserved and someone who just doesn’t give you the affection that you desire and deserve. We all feel love in our own ways (Enter: The 5 Love Languages), and I personally believe it’s our responsibility as a partner in a relationship to understand and then act upon these needs. If your partner’s primary love language is “words of affirmation” but you’re uncomfortable voicing your feelings, there needs to be a little effort to verbally express compliments or appreciation to them — or they’re simply not going to to feel it from you.

The inverse, of course, is also true. Your needs must be met in this area as well. If your partner just doesn’t put in the work or the effort to make you feel valued, though, that is treatment that falls short of what you deserve, no matter how you cut it.

Remember, this article is about you and what you deserve in a relationship. If someone is unwilling or unable to provide that to you, then by default, you deserve better.

Harsh? Perhaps. True? Also yes.

They don’t take proper care of themselves.

I believe that you deserve a partner who puts in effort to care for themselves mentally, physically, spiritually, and emotionally. Someone who values their own health and wellness, as they understand it helps them live a longer, happier, and fuller life. Someone who’s more likely (nothing is guaranteed, of course) to be around for as long as possible, which is exactly what you want when you’re in love.

Someone who can be mentally and emotionally present in your relationship. Someone who shows that they respect themselves enough to care for themselves. In turn, signaling they’re more likely to value caring for others, as well (you, your potential children, et cetera).

If a person simply lets themselves go (especially if you’ve just gotten into a relationship), it’s a sign that they were just putting on a show to win you over and let off the throttle once it happened.

The truth is that the effort put into one’s self should be independent of one’s relationship status. If it’s something they truly believe in, it’ll be part of their identity, and won’t be affected by whether they’re single, married, or anything in between.

Your values don’t align.

No — you’re not going to agree on everything. In fact, I believe this is a good thing, because it allows two mature and open minded adults to learn from each other. This is how we explore other peoples’ perspectives, expand our own horizons, and learn and grow together.

Different, though, is the idea of maligned values. When your values don’t align, you’ll disagree on fundamentally important issues that will signal an incompatibility in moral code. I believe this is why people of opposing political parties have a hard time dating now more than ever before, because a statement of affiliation is also a self-categorization of the things you believe. The way you feel people should be treated. What rights you feel others should have. Equality. Respect.

When those things don’t line up, it’s very important to hold one’s opinion in the highest regard, causing frequent questioning of their integrity and moral standing. That, needless to say, can never lead to a thriving and healthy relationship — nor should it.

They don’t consider you in their decisions.

Great relationships are about prioritizing “we” over “me.”

Making life decisions that affect multiple people is a completely different prospect than doing what you want, when you want — as single people do. It sounds obvious that entering into a relationship requires a different life philosophy than being single, but it may be less common than you think, as many people end up set in their ways and resist any sort of change.

The truth is that you deserve to be with someone who’s going to value and respect your opinion, and think about you when making a decision that could potentially affect the course of your life. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not suggesting that a partner or a spouse consult their significant other when it comes to what kind of toothpaste to buy, what gas station to use, or any of the million small and frivolous decisions we make on a daily basis…

But, if you are going to be affected, then you deserve to be considered.

They don’t put real effort into spending time with you.

People are busy, I get it. You both have full schedules, demanding careers or businesses, and maybe even kids from a previous relationship.

This, though, doesn’t change the reality that relationships are most strongly built by spending real time together. Texting and messaging and even video chats can help to fill the gap in between quality time, but they simply cannot be a replacement.

“Hey, what if it’s long distance?” Listen, everyone has different needs in a relationship, but speaking from my personal perspective, being in someone’s presence is the only way to build a bond strong enough to last for a lifetime.

Sure, if you’ve already been together for awhile and work, military, or a similar commitment takes you away for extended time, that’s a different story — but building a relationship from the ground up requires you to be in each other’s physical presence on a regular basis.

No matter how busy someone is, if they’re really interested, they will make the time for you. No lies, excuses, or broken promises.

You are less “YOU” when you’re with them.

A great relationship isn’t just based on how you feel about the other person, it’s also based on how you feel about yourself when you’re with them. The right person should bring out your best qualities, encourage you to shine at your brightest, make you feel safe and comfortable enough to be your most authentic self — free of judgment. If, though, you’re hiding parts of yourself, not feeling comfortable opening up to them, holding back from doing the things you love, or feeling generally unexcited about life itself — this is your subconscious tugging at your coattails asking to to find you again.

Remember — healthy love makes you feel more like yourself, not less. Anything less falls short of what you deserve in life, and in love.

Stay connected and follow our Instagram handle : @breakthatspace